Daily routines, hard work, and living your life or what you consider to be 'living your best life' when in reality it's just living in your comfortable state until something traumatic happens is sadly what most of us do, me included. Work, gym, daily routine, friends and family every day living, and then that traumatic event that changes your life forever happens, mine happened on Sunday, September 24, 2023. It was a usual Sunday morning until this booming headache like no other hit,. I am not the kind of person who usually gets headaches so this was so shocking, the pain was like no other as I heard a pop and all I knew was I was falling to my left side. Three hours later praying this excruciating pain would dissipate tossing and turning in bed in hopes of falling asleep, anything to not feel what I was going through but it was all helpless, I knew I had to go to the emergency room, an ambulance shortly arrived.
I had an aneurysm that ruptured spilling blood into my brain, it was unbearable it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I won't go into too much detail as it was my life's worst and most challenging experience. The doctor had to shave my head to drill into my skull to place a drain so the blood would eventually run clear before I started feeling okay as I was always closely monitored 24/7. I was in the Intensive Care Unit for nearly a month and a few days before I was able to leave the doctor and nurse helped me take my first steps. I was hooked up to monitors, had the drain attached to my head, every turn I made hurt, everything ached, everything seemed so hard. Every few hours someone came to take my blood, both my arms were covered with IVs, faith was what I had to keep going...I can beat this and I will be better was all I can say on repeat, over and over again.
I'll be honest with you friends, there was a moment when I thought I could no longer do this as fighting seemed harder each day and I felt like I was never going to leave that bed. I started recognizing the day and night nurses and they surely remembered me as the 'miracle patient' and the 'patient who has a set of pipes' as numerous times in a day they would hear me scream from pain. I asked God so many questions on repeat 'why me?!' as I lived a healthy active lifestyle and I tried my best to always be good. I couldn't understand the dynamics of why this had happened to me, I was scared at times but mostly pissed off because there was no answer on the exact reason to my questions. After some soul-searching and exchanging my anger for forgiveness, things made sense, as healthy as I was physically, I didn't quite learn how to release and work out the mental and emotional parts as that was something I could hold in and no one could see or know about. I've always been a private person, no one would know what I was going through as I learned how to exchange a smile for when things got rough or tough, an embrace when someone needed it when deep down I was crying and felt in shambles. I was the one in my family who 'had it together' and never showed weakness or emotion, I was never vulnerable protecting myself at any cost not realizing THIS could literally kill me.
The heaviness, stress and holding it all in not finding a way to release was the only thing in my life I didn't know how to fix as I never depended on anyone and I didn't know how that looked or felt. I remember that week, it was extremely long from daily living to ongoing stress the world knew nothing about. I was looking forward to my day off that coming Monday and was thinking how I could go about enjoying that well deserved 'rest day' or how I could quiet my world. I may not get 'it' right all the time and sometimes asking for help is something I still struggle with, but I AM figuring it out along the way. I started journaling again, speak words of affirmation, I've learned to forgive releasing knowing I have so much life to live, I have an incredible love blossoming, this all gives me strength and I've released negativity in every aspect- thoughts, situations even friends. I no longer have room in my life for anything thats not patient or kind. I don't want to hear gossip, nonacceptance of others or things that don't bring joy or value. No one's perfect and we all got some shit to us right? But let's try to take advantage of this one amazing life we are gifted and never take it for granted. Find a way to laugh more, smile often, hold onto that person that makes you feel like a kid and gives you butterflies, love as deep as you can and fall hard as scary as it may be because not doing so and living a life scared, alone or always on the defense is not a way to live.
So my friends, that's it...here I am being vulnerable with you all about my life, where I am, where I've been and being more open than ever. I'm sure I won't always get it right but I have the most important things in front of my eyes the minute I wake up and I am so grateful and thankful! I'll get through this and I will be better than ever! Like I told my doctor, I have A LOT of living to do!
Always,
Em