I couldn't wait to get home, I have not moved in a month, I have not showered in a month and I have not been free from IV's or needles in a month. My body was beyond exhausted, my mind felt so drained as if I was in a constant daze. I didn't reach out to anyone- again this is where the 'private person' act takes place, sharing my life or parts of it was something I found so hard to do, even in relationships. I never wanted to be vulnerable, I didn't want to ever depend on anyone because owing someone something was the one thing I couldn't have over my head. I know it's pretty messed up to have those thoughts but life taught me some things, it taught me to be hard, it taught me to work, it taught me to find a way to get what my family needed or wanted, it taught me as a woman you have to grind harder, it taught me independence, it taught me hard fuckin work and it taught me to hold back my tears- never let them see you cry. I'm not emotional and I know some people who know me are shaking their heads probably calling me stubborn or Lord knows what else lol. I can admit I had my fair share of stubbornness but I promise I can be the complete opposite as there are layers to me. I am also patient, loving and thoughtful it just takes a lot for that part of me to come out.
Laying in that hospital bed day in and out I had nothing else to do but think of life, I wish I didn't have to work so hard, I wish I didn't build the great wall around me, I wish I spent more time with loved ones instead of giving money or materialistic things, I wish some parts of my life I was care-free, I wish I knew how to love without fear, I wish I left relationships when I knew it was time instead of 'giving it one more chance' or perhaps allowing complacency to take place, I even wish that certain friendships I let go of. There were so many things I wished, hoped for and there's no taking it back because 'time' my friend waits for no one and life goes on without you knowing how it will unravel. It's crazy we all know better, we know right from wrong but why is it we only understand when something life changing happens? Why is it only then we understand the value of life or appreciate the small things? Guess that saying is true you never realize what you have until it's gone (thankfully I am lucky enough to have another chance) seriously we gotta get it together friends...so even though we ALL know better I am sending you a friendly reminder, please love your life...cherish the time you have, don't work so damn hard- call out and play hookie, take that day and spend it with yourself. Take yourself to that restaurant you always wanted to try, go to the museum, get lost in a bookstore (which is a favorite past time of mine) before they all close down. If you're in a relationship spend it together getting to know intimate things about each other, appreciate your partner, make sure you're in a GOOD relationship and not just there because you don't want to be alone. If you are not crazy about the person you're with please let them go because they're someone else's blessing and your person will come, don't be selfish. Swallow your pride, listen to one another and be each other's support. Do things for each other, show how much you value them, never stop flirting, compliment them because trust me someone will the second they walk out that door even when you think they're looking rugged. Never let your partner feel like they're not important, remember this is someone you love.
The first few weeks of being back home felt weird but such a relief, in the four days I was in the hospital I already had three surgeries. Every morning it was a CAT scan, sonogram and more blood to be taken (blood was taken every two to three hours). At first I was suppose to stay at a rehabilitation center but because I showed the doctor and nurse I could walk the center didn't want to accept my case as I wouldn't be staying there long, it's all about how much money they can make from me honestly but it's all good because like I said I can and will do this shit myself! My social worker told me he would arrange for me to have physical therapy at my house but nothing came of it but issue after issue, long story short I never got any physical therapy- so I had to tough it out and do it my damn self Come on Mia WALK! You KNOW HOW TO FREAKING WALK! It was one foot in front of the other and balance, I got this!! I didn't give a damn how tired I felt after a few steps I had my left arm out like an airplane wing while my right hand held onto my cane. I was going to do it regardless of how hard it was, or how tired or out of breath I felt. Sometimes I would just stand still in the middle of the living room as streams of my tears ran down my face, I wasn't going to give up, I can do it and I did every day I walked from the bedroom to the living room and to the bathroom. I made myself do it all, use the bathroom, shower and walk. I didn't care how long it took me I would get it right because I know I'm strong enough until one day I was even able to cook. It seemed like a heavy chore as I was so damn tired... as I type this I can't help but tear up because no one knew how I felt as I managed to always show face that I was good. I am so damn proud of myself. Faith kept me going every single day, my will to survive is what pushed me, God and the universe reassuring me I have a greater purpose is what keeps me strong. I am NOT built weak!!
Kane made me laugh everyday, he was my therapy it's as if he knew something was off about me. He would cuddle with me 24/7 making sure I was never alone, when I was in the bathroom he laid outside the door until I came out and he watched me walk from one room to another until I sat on the couch or laid in the bed where he would cuddle next to me shortly after, we napped together, watched funny shows or cartoons, anything to have my mind escape my temporary reality.
For those who know me know I am not a 'sit around at home' type of gal as I am at the gym every day hitting those weights! I loved lifting heavy as I worked really hard on myself, I carried a notebook with me writing down the exercise I did, how many pounds and reps. I was leg pressing five hundred pounds, squatting one ninety and hip thrusting three hundred. I was so incredibly proud of myself as I worked on me HARD, it was the only way I knew how to relieve stress. So me sitting at home teaching myself how to walk or stand minutes at a time was a struggle- it was so frustrating, it brought me to tears and I felt no one understood as I now felt I had to learn dependency. I continued to push myself daily because I am alive and I know this will one day be a thing of my past, I would toss my cane to the side when I was home and walked around the apartment like a toddler with my arms out learning how to walk and balance at the same time. I would make myself get up every hour even if it was to walk in circles because not trying was not an option. I got stronger everyday and only took my cane with me when I was going out, I didn't want to be cooped up in the apartment anymore, I wanted to inhale fresh air, I wanted to look at the blue sky, talk out loud and feel the breeze against my skin. I was even bold enough one day and met with one of my dearest and longest friend for lunch- she took me to Crab House in Brooklyn with her mom who is like a second mom and we ate, had ice cream and walked on the boardwalk. It was cold out but I didn't care as it felt good to be alive and moving.
My journey wasn't over yet, I had to go back to the hospital to get a pipe line flow diverter put in my vessel as my neurosurgeon saw another aneurysm was present, back to ICU in December. I told myself this was it, it's the last time I'm here but emotions were heightened as being in the hospital is more traumatic then ever. I had to be in the hospital at seven in the morning to get admitted and my nerves were shot, I tried so hard to remain calm but it wasn't working, it felt challenging to walk again. Prayers were under my breath with every step I took, I remember telling God "we good this is IT and I'll be great ok!?" some of the nurses remembered me, the physician assistant remembered me as he reminded me again he was the one who shaved my head (the first time he told me I told him to come closer so I could punch him in the throat but the reminder that he needed to do it to save my life saved him from being throat punched and a low 'thank you' replaced that).
Not much can be said about this procedure, I woke up in same room with my favorite day nurse but being back in that same room I was in for a month sent chills throughout my body. I woke up with a horse sore throat as they had me intubated but I was so pleased it was out of my throat when I opened my eyes as removing that is painful! I was greeted by the nurses, the floor manager and doctors who remembered me from my stay, it was nice to see them again as these were the individuals who saved my life but I wish it was at a different setting- perhaps at a brunch or someplace where I could happily have a sip of alcohol. It felt surreal, the physician assistant said the procedure went well but I would have to come back for another in about a month. Confusion and anger filled me rather quickly as I told God THIS was it, why the heck do I have to come back!!? Seeing my reaction he calmly said the doctor would speak to me tomorrow morning to further discuss in detail, my head dropped as that helpless feeling made it's way back in my heart. Tears quickly pooled in my eyes, a heavy weight on my chest as I had no more words left to say. I tried so hard to stay positive, fight through every pain and emotion that shook my soul, what else can I do!?
I didn't sleep that night, I tossed and turned even after the nurse had given me melatonin. A broken heart consumed me as I felt hopeless but I knew I had to shake off that negative mindset because I am still here and there is a beautiful magical reason why, I allowed my mind to daydream on all the reasons, heck who knows maybe my kid would discover some magic drug, be the president or do something wildly amazing and I have to stay the course for THEM. So that's what I did to remain from the madness and what I still do to be honest, I become delusional in my thoughts and imagine all the possibilities because it's THAT great and only God and the universe can see the future. That's it, that's my secret on how I am holding on. The day is quickly arriving, January is creeping and thats when the neurosurgeon does his magic once again. So friends, when life seems to throw you curveballs and you feel like you can't, I am asking you to be as delusional with me and imagine the wildest possibilities as I promise you, YOU CAN and YOU WILL, you're going to make a difference and create magic.
REPEAT: "I am NOT built weak!"
Never forget who the hell you are, you got this, keep going...you guys are my witness one day I will be aneurysm-FREE, God has a plan for me, I have something to share with the world and I hope if anyone reading this gets anything it's to learn to LIVE- know you can beat any damn thing, I believe in you- truly do!!
Always,
Em